Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Out with the old

Ok, I'm going to TRY to make this the first day of my positive journey. I've resolved some of my inner battles and I've managed to get back in touch with myself a little bit. I'm going to touch upon what's been bothering me, and then I hope to let it go. Tomorrow will be a new day, and hopefully I'll be able to put that "positive sparkle" to my blog. So without further ado, a recap of my battle with negativity.

The more I think of it, the more I'm convinced that the slump that I fell into is somewhat of a delayed reaction to turning 30. My birthday came and went without any fanfare. We were in England, and we spent the day driving around the countryside, visiting Filkins and Oxford (pictured), then going back to Mark and Dorota and Tom's town (Kettering), enjoying a dinner at a lovely Italian restaurant, and back to their apartment for a delicious chocolate pie that Tom made. It was a beautiful day in so many ways. But it was kind of surreal. I mean, I was in England--a lifelong dream come true.

It's true that as a guidance counselor, I put a lot of my own life aside so that I can concentrate on my job. I don't get out to visit my family, I don't clean the house as often as I'd like, and I don't exercise enough... Part of it is because I take work home with me, and part of it is that I'm completely exhausted at the end of the day. (Ironically, if I could just find a little time to exercise, even half an hour, I know I would have more energy, and I'd also sleep better, but sometimes I just can't find the energy to get started.) But I digress...the point is that I often put emotions aside until I can deal with them at a more appropriate time. I think that's one of the reasons I so frequently get sick during vacations...I will stay healthy until I get a chance to rest, and then when that chance comes, I crash. Hard. I've gone on holiday several times while feeling completely miserable. Anyway, once the school year ended, I had time to come to terms with the fact that I'm entering a new phase of my life. Then with all of the other (albeit minor) stuff, I just felt really down.

I'm still bummed about the Mini, but I just try not to think about it that much. The truth is that it's just a car, and I'm lucky to have the means to buy a car that runs. The issues with my parents have not been resolved, and I honestly don't know which direction they'll end up going. My mom hasn't e-mailed me since last week, and I don't e-mail her because she'll twist around anything that I say to her. It's happened before, and I won't participate in that toxic behavior. It's frustrating that I'm "the successful one" in the family, but I'm like a ghost. No one pays a bit of attention to me, so I've come to enjoy the solitude, and I realize that I don't need them in order to be happy. It would be nice to be able to have a good relationship with them, but I always end up feeling like the only one who's trying to have a relationship (and I don't just mean my parents and grandparents, I mean my mom's siblings and their children. For the record, my dad's sister is one of my best friends). I feel like the uncool kid who's chasing the popular kids around, trying to get them to pay attention to me. But those days are over! I don't need validation from them. If they don't want to celebrate my successes with me, that's fine...I have a lovely group of friends right here at home to celebrate with. And Chris is the most wonderful person...we're best friends, we love spending time together, and no matter what kind of day I have, I know he wants to hear about it.

And the last big thing that was (is) bothering me is the family issue. This one, however, will probably not go will only intensify. Whether or not to start a family is one of the most difficult decisions I will probably ever have to make. It's on my mind quite a lot, but I'm no closer to a decision. People say you're never truly ready, but I hope that at some point I get a lot more ready than I am right now!!!

So anyway, that is the summary of the issues that have been dragging me is resolved, one is up in the air but I have come to terms with it, and one will probably never go away, but I guess that I wouldn't even really call that a problem...just a life altering decision that has to be made. I could very easily decide that I'm going to put it off indefinitely :) Actually, that leads me to a related topic...

Just because I throw up, doesn't mean I'm pregnant. Have I said this before? Probably, but hopefully this will be the last time. I throw up sometimes, just like everyone else in the world. Usually its due to migraines (or migraine-like headaches...I've never been diagnosed with migraines). But EVERY time I throw up, someone has to make a comment about pregnancy. But here's the deal--If I were pregnant, I would tell people WHEN I'M READY to tell them. You're supposed to wait three months before you start telling people, and Chris and I fully intend on abiding by that rule. So if I were pregnant, I wouldn't want people telling me that "I probably am," because then I'd have a hard time keeping the secret. I have no idea how I'd react to that comment if I actually were pregnant. Right now I just laugh it off and make comments about how I could never be a mother (which is pretty much how I feel). But I hate that people just assume that. They're taking away my right to keep a very personal matter private. It's not like I would hide it forever (obviously), but I just wish people would respect my privacy. It doesn't bother me as much when people say that I should have a baby or that I'd be a great mom (liars!), because to me, that's actually a compliment. I guess that there's just so much that goes into deciding to have a family that everything, including the announcement, will need to happen on my (well, OUR) terms.

And now that this rant is over, I will plan on becoming myself again in my next blog...and hopefully continue to have the positive, happy outlook that I enjoy so much.

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