Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Depressed, frustrated

Although I have a very comfortable, happy life, and I'm thankful for everything that I have and everything that I do, and especially for the love and support I receive from Chris, I've felt so depressed lately. I'm still trying to pinpoint the problem, and as I write this, I'm realizing that if anyone actually reads this blog, they're going to think that all I do is whine and complain about my so-called problems. That's why I'm so overwhelmed right now. I'm a smiley person. I can always see the good in people. I love to help others, and I love to participate in activism, especially environmental, human rights, and animal rights. But right now I feel like happiness is right at my fingertips, and I remember what it feels like, and I want more of it, but I can't quite reach out and grab it.

I think I blogged about the jet ski yesterday, so we're all up to speed there. So now my mom is saying that we can keep the jet ski (actually she said that she doesn't want it), but that we'll need to insure it and that they want the trailer back. What the hell good is a jet ski going to be if we don't have a trailer for it? It's not like we have a lake to keep it in! I feel like my mom is playing games like she has in the past, and it's destroying me emotionally. Without going into too much detail, I'll just say that on numerous occasions in the past, my parents have said some incredibly hurtful things to me. It's even worse for me because I try with all my heart to be a good person and to make good decisions. I'm not easily offended, but doubting my intentions is a sure way to upset me.

So take the jet ski issue and add to it the fact that my favorite car EVER got traded in for car that I hate, and the fact that I'm thinking about whether or not I want to bring children into this crazy world sometime within the next five years, and I'm just a bundle of sadness and nerves.

And I feel so guilty about it, considering that these problems AREN'T REALLY PROBLEMS! I've had friends and family members with devastating illnesses...that's a problem. People have lost loved ones and all of their possessions in natural disasters...that's a problem. I've had friends who can't have kids at all...that's a problem. Jet ski issues, irrational family members, trading in cars, and indecisiveness about reproducing....not really problems! I mean, I still have to deal with them. (Except for the car's done, and I'm trying to move on. I'm still ticked about it, but the emotions about the Mini only really start to bubble over when I start thinking about the other things. It's more of an "icing on the cake," if you will. And by cake I mean mudpie. And by icing I mean worms. But you get the picture.)

As for the jet ski thing, what I want to do is to take it down to Cuba, drop it off, and leave it. I don't want to deal with it now, and I didn't want to deal with it in the first place. I wish this had never happened, and I made that very clear two years ago. It was a stupid, stupid mistake, especially with my parents' history of irrational behavior toward me. Lesson learned, money lost...I just want to move on. I have to get the truck fixed anyway, so I just want to take the jet ski with me when I take the truck down to Mike's shop, drop it off at my parents' house, and leave it there. When the truck is done, I'll come back to Dunkirk. End of story. I can't believe that this has turned into a fight!

My issues with reproducing deserve a separate blog posting. As ambivalent as I am, I don't want to have a story about my future offspring wrapped up in a blog post about fights with my parents.

No comments: