Chris and I always said that when we turned 30, we'd have kids. Then we joked about "whose 30," since he's a year older than I am. But now he's 31 and I'm officially past that 30 mark, and we're thinking we should start thinking....or thinking of how much longer we can put it off.
I've made a lot of changes in my life since I graduated from high school and college. Getting married was very exciting, but not scary. I spent most of my time with Chris anyway, and all that really changed was my last name. Moving was scary, but kind of necessary for jobs and starting my new life as an adult. I got used to it and now love where I live. But creating a whole new person who is going to live in our house with us for a very long time...that's downright terrifying for me.
I have a lot of fears about the entire process. I'm not looking forward to being pregnant or giving birth. The birth part is not as scary since we started exploring alternatives to hospital births. I'm not sure how that will all play out, but hopefully I can avoid the hospital scene altogether. But what's even more scary for me is how having a child will change our lives.
I really love my life. And OUR lives together. We have a very comfortable life...a nice house, pets, cars, and enough toys to keep us busy. We have a lot of activities that we really enjoy, especially concerts, theatre, travel, biking, jet skiing, etc... Plus we have our way of doing things...dinner when we get home from work, and working on our hobbies in the evening. With a child, all of that changes.
I feel like I can barely take care of myself, our home, and our animals while holding down a full-time job. I'm exhausted as it is. With a child, my mornings will be even more hectic following a night of sporadic sleep, then I'll work all day, get the child from daycare or whomever I hire to raise the child, then I'll go home and take care of the child while doing all of the tasks I normally have to take care of, plus all of the things that the baby needs...more laundry, more dishes, more food prep... I feel overwhelmed already!
Don't get me wrong...I'm not complaining. At this point, I have nothing to complain about. But I'm trying to be aware of how different it's going to be, and then I have to decide whether or not I can pull it off. I know that other women do it...they even have multiple children and/or longer commutes than I do, and/or harder jobs than I have, but I just feel that they're stronger women. I don't think I have the physical or emotional strength to make it happen.
I'm giving it some serious thought, but I'm not sure if I have what it takes to be a mom.
biased-a completed quilt
2 days ago