I'm in love with a car

Yes, it's true, (I guess this qualifies as a confession), I'm in love with a car, but not a car that I'm getting. I'm in love with a car that we're getting rid of. At this very moment, Chris is at Northtown auto dealership trading in our beloved Fletcher for a car that I really, really don't want. I am fully aware that I'm being completely irrational, however, cars are one of my vices. I will shop at the salvation army for clothes, and I will do without a lot of things, but I have to have a car that I love. I don't need an expensive car, I just need to love it. The Mini Cooper was my dream car. The fact that I could get a turquoise one made it even better. But Chris is the one who drove it most of the time, and I drove the black Jetta. The Jetta was to be returned in August (we leased it), so then we'd have Fletcher, the Mini, and Elphie, the Pilot (green, of course). I can see where Chris was coming from...driving it every day was probably a little rough on him. The small size and tight suspension made it kind of a punishing ride, and he has to drive to downtown Buffalo every day for his job. Still, I'm very sad to be getting rid of it. I'm crying real tears of sorrow knowing that Chris will not be driving home in Fletcher, but instead will be pulling into the driveway with a red 2008 VW Jetta Wolfsburg. I know I will be judged for this posting (if anyone reads it) for crying over something so trivial, but this is who I am. I am a car lover. One who drove a Mini Cooper for a glorious 11 months, and who smiled every time I got behind the wheel.

Here it is on the day we picked it up.


One day we loaded it up with Chris' planes and took it to the flying field.

We're car shopping. Again.

Confession: We're compulsive car shoppers. Right now we have three cars. The oldest one is a 2004. We have a reason for having three cars, but still....we have three cars. And two people to drive them. Sure, having three cars came in handy the day that the Jetta broke, because I drove back home and took the Pilot instead. This is the second time we've had three cars. Last time, Chris had a job in Cheektowaga. We had a Jetta and a Grand Cherokee, and both of us had long commutes, so we got a Corolla to get him to work. Then he got a job closer to home, so we traded in the Jeep and the Corolla and got the Pilot. We were back down to two cars while Chris was working in town, but then he got another job in Buffalo, this time at Canisius College, so we went car shopping again last summer and ended up with a Mini Cooper. Back to three cars.

We balloon financed the Jetta, and that term is up in August, so we thought we'd be getting rid of the Jetta this year and go back down to two cars, but somehow we're shopping again. This time we'll probably trade in the Jetta and the Mini so we'll be back down to two cars, but we will have had the Mini for less than a year! I'll be bummed to get rid of that car...I really love it. But then again, I hardly ever get to drive it, so it won't make a whole lot of difference anyway.

Confession: I'm terrified to have kids

Chris and I always said that when we turned 30, we'd have kids. Then we joked about "whose 30," since he's a year older than I am. But now he's 31 and I'm officially past that 30 mark, and we're thinking we should start thinking....or thinking of how much longer we can put it off.

I've made a lot of changes in my life since I graduated from high school and college. Getting married was very exciting, but not scary. I spent most of my time with Chris anyway, and all that really changed was my last name. Moving was scary, but kind of necessary for jobs and starting my new life as an adult. I got used to it and now love where I live. But creating a whole new person who is going to live in our house with us for a very long time...that's downright terrifying for me.

I have a lot of fears about the entire process. I'm not looking forward to being pregnant or giving birth. The birth part is not as scary since we started exploring alternatives to hospital births. I'm not sure how that will all play out, but hopefully I can avoid the hospital scene altogether. But what's even more scary for me is how having a child will change our lives.

I really love my life. And OUR lives together. We have a very comfortable life...a nice house, pets, cars, and enough toys to keep us busy. We have a lot of activities that we really enjoy, especially concerts, theatre, travel, biking, jet skiing, etc... Plus we have our way of doing things...dinner when we get home from work, and working on our hobbies in the evening. With a child, all of that changes.

I feel like I can barely take care of myself, our home, and our animals while holding down a full-time job. I'm exhausted as it is. With a child, my mornings will be even more hectic following a night of sporadic sleep, then I'll work all day, get the child from daycare or whomever I hire to raise the child, then I'll go home and take care of the child while doing all of the tasks I normally have to take care of, plus all of the things that the baby needs...more laundry, more dishes, more food prep... I feel overwhelmed already!

Don't get me wrong...I'm not complaining. At this point, I have nothing to complain about. But I'm trying to be aware of how different it's going to be, and then I have to decide whether or not I can pull it off. I know that other women do it...they even have multiple children and/or longer commutes than I do, and/or harder jobs than I have, but I just feel that they're stronger women. I don't think I have the physical or emotional strength to make it happen.

I'm giving it some serious thought, but I'm not sure if I have what it takes to be a mom.